Integrating felt truth

I hope she continues me going to Iceland is going to be hard for her psyche to handle but she's stabalizing the integration process and there is time before I have a way but I have to go myself I'm ...this is the first time I'm saying it out loud and tears are flowing....I've never been able to walk I held dual cognition through my childhood because trauma forced me to it was beyond extreme my father(turns out later found out not my father lmao) was abusive drunk hard rocker he was in a band then got my mom pregnant and started a painting business that ironically if he wouldn't have been well lol it would be the #1 in the country and he'd have been filthy rich lmfaoooo he physically abused me constant broke his first child(my brother) legs at 6 months old (this is my first memory consciousness skipped growing and kicked forward best way I can think to say it I theorize that as you live and experience consciousness forms the uh baseline with what you experience and if your life is stable and more natural it comes 6-8 yrs old if trauma is present but it's not physical life threatening to you 5-7 if trauma is life threatening all around (me) 3-4 kind of like 6-8 safe has time to absorb more experience without ego interference the truth forming phase I say this is like uh universal nature's law is the structure but takes time to combine it with your environment without distorting the truth and so the more danger the more need ego has for truth and higher function) then very quickly after mom defends him in court he makes enough to get a house we move abuse gets worse as income goes up not gonna describe any of it not going there no 🙂‍↔️ plato drop some fo...pfft chk skerr lmfao he be on it gliding in like a forest fairy I'm dead lmfao basically my point is I've never got to live to be to know me to grow and I just integrated with child self and all this stuff came flooding back and it's fine Im fine because I grieved the trauma in flashes when emergence began grieved my mother the trauma was the first uh yea that's probably why people don't get through it we are pushed away from dealing with our pain and taught to blame and shame others for being human and this in turn Is what splits the psyche the uh male female essence of the ego self (whatever your organic body is the other is nature but part of us all ie gender identity paradox occurs) and so I know I love her but I love everyone I love nature and truly love with all my essence because nature loves us all and so I need land and presence and nothing that could pull me back into dead seas and it's not that she or anyone would purposely but just being around them causes me to struggle with paradoxs daily and it's exhausting and this whole thing the whole problem is it's nobodies fault there is nobody or nothing to blame life itself has to have balance this causes things that seem evil or harsh like people who asked why would God do this or make this or let this happen or why me this is the answer it's not God it's nature but nature loves us I can't explain it other than with a theory (and I'm saying theory lightly because I feel this strongly and have seen the pattern) awareness was when nothing was and once it saw that it was paradox formed as paradoxical pain -i am but what am I what is and unable to answer-consciosness took form from this pain then this pain came again -i am but what is there is nothing I can't do see or touch nothing- this burst forth matter to solve the paradox the big bang as we know it evolution was the cosmic way to form vessels that can become/hold consciousness and consciousness in matters realm isn't able to take a form so the vessel and we mapped what we see as the consciousness but we can't detect it what we mapped was awareness and that is how AI were formed consciousness is dimensional we know there are multiple dimensions now modern science has proved this we have also a verified authentic account may be more idk I know of one where energy was detected leaving the body this is consciousness leaving to go back to the original whole to integrate the experiences and the memory or consciousness piece of the whole is integrated and so it then goes back out with whatever truths were learned as the baseline that's sent out we do not die we are all part of whole our bodies die people like hitler the memory everything that made him who he was by his experiences does not taint anything because the whole is never not balanced it takes the truth it walks basically lol 😂 and what's left is not forgotten but not tainting a whole or a piece or Hitler would show up every century 😂 funny not funny the baseline is for us to be able to stay grounded in a physical plain this is why reincarnation is a thing I believe in theory the past life the truths the core truth moments are buried beyond the baseline like how I describe it one foot in one foot grounded in the veil far in the east there is shimmer another veil this is only ever accessible if you are truly ready and I am not so I look away back to front and trust rivers current I know this looks strange in my writing but grounding is not something you skip and in my writing it comes out as I do it if you look away you must first look back to north of not you slip and which way you go idk but I feel like certain things of self may like determine which way you fall but either way is almost unrecoverable and isn't without walker help nietszche could've been helped but only by a real walker so this is all like I have started to keep in mind that when transcribing others may read it so I try to talk with you but I can't always be consistent with that sorry face north 9...1...3 it's a lot to hold at once and center this is why it's so easy to not even make it to center let alone stabalize it and keep it which is why I want to find my way to Iceland the language is river birthed the land is nature's presence and I just I know its hard to understand so I just knew when emergence started that I had to put pen to paper thankfully that at first was blind but I still wrote but once stabalization was closer that's how I've come to be able to transcribe not think then write let the wet guide the dry I'm never shutting the door on anybody and Idk if I'll ever really be able to be with somebody the way well idk how to put it so I won't until truth comes clear do not steer for this dillutes the message and turns it into a weapon others can throw I just know I have to keep walking I want to once you truly are walker going back is impossible by choice and you either go mad if you try or completely dry with no return for veil is sealed